What Really Happened
by SwirlyDragonfly
Summary: Things that really happened that were cut out of the anime, Fullmetal Alchemist. Rated T only for language so far
1. Chapter 1

**What Really Happened in Full Metal Alchemist**

Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, I just like writing parodies

**Chapter 1: How Envy Died**

It was a typical morning at Dante's mansion, young Envy (whose human name was lost to History) was annoying the living hell out of his mother and father. Envy was jumping up and down on his bed, eating pure sugar and singing in a high pitched girly voice. Downstairs Hoenheim was reading a book; the noise didn't bother him anymore because of his new pair of earplugs. Dante, on the other hand, didn't even think about transmuting herself a pair (what a dummy).

"Hoenheim this is the last straw, either you do something about it or I will," said Dante.

"Whatever you say dear," He continued to read his book, since he didn't hear her.

Dante was infuriated; she hated having to deal with this kind of nonsense. But she knew what had to be done; so she knocked on her son's door.

"Envy would you mind keeping it down?"

"Screw off old hag"

"That's no way to talk to your mother!"

"Kiss my ass prune"

"That's it: She reached for the nearest object and threw it at her son's head, then in a matter of minutes, Envy dropped to the floor, dead as a doornail. She had thrown a mercury thermometer at her son's head, the liquid metal was absorbed into his skin, and he died from the toxin.

She slowly covered her mouth, "What have I done," she asked herself just as Hoenheim entered the room.

"Oh my God you killed Envy, you crazy bitch, that does it, I'm leaving you."

And that is how Envy was killed from Mercury poisoning and why Hoenheim left Dante….

(This was my first story that I submitted, there will be more to come, hope you like)


	2. Chapter 2

**Who Greed was created from…**

I don't own FMA

Dante often went to casinos, not because she loved gambling, but because a certain black jack dealer always caught her eye… Yes it was Greed, before he became a homunculus. One night, Greed worked up the guts to ask Dante out for drinks, and she said yes.

"I'm glad you agreed to go out with me, are you married?"

"Hmm?" she replied while casually sipping a margarita.

"Sorry, I guess that was a little noisy of me to ask."

"I used to be married."

"What happened, no sane guy would just leave a beautiful dame like yourself, he must'a been mental."

_Wonder how he'd react if I told him that my husband left me because I accidentally killed our son…_ She thought.

Dante then decided that she really liked this guy and had to have him forever. But, a normal human like him would never accept her true ways, so she decided she'd have his body, just eliminate the soul. So, after about a dozen drinks, Dante took him for a nice stroll in the park; where she shot him and then proceeded to create the homunculus Greed.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for reviewing and I will try and state before the story where in the FMA timeline these would fit…

**The birth of Gluttony **

(Pre-FMA)

About a week after Dante created Greed, and found him to be too unruly for her to deal with; she decided she needed to find a new source of companionship. So she decided to get a job at a small restaurant. After about a week of work, Dante noticed that the same people always came in, it started to get rather repetitive and annoying. Until the day the customer from heck arrived…

Dante: Welcome sir, what would you like to drink?

Gluttony (pre-homunculus): I'll have a large Pepsi.

Dante: sorry sir we only have coke.

Gluttony: What kind of place doesn't have Pepsi, what a sucky place this is, then I guess coke will have to do.

Dante: Great I'll be right back

A moment later, Dante returned with his drink. He told her he was ready to order.

Gluttony: I'll have one of everything.

Dante: Alright then, the appetizers will be ready in about 15 minutes.

Gluttony: You have 10.

Dante's eyebrow twitched, but she didn't like rude customers, and this guy was wearing thin on her nerves. By some miracle, the appetizers were finished and served in less than 10 minutes, and then main course fallowed less than 30 minutes after that. As the man finished his last spoonful of desert, Dante arrived with the bill.

Dante: That will be $206.29 including tax sir.

Gluttony: And you expect me to pay that much for this crap, not a chance.

Dante: But sir you just ate 25 full course meals.

Gluttony: And it all tasted like shit, I'm not paying.

Dante: …

Gluttony: As for your tip, get a better hairstyle and a life.

Dante was pissed at this point (we all know what this means) who did this guy think he was, he just sat there, eating like a pig, and then had the nerve to insult her. As he got up to leave Dante went to the backdoor, then she proceeded to fallow him. When it seemed like the no one else was in sight, she called out to him.

Dante: Stop right there!

Gluttony: What do you want; oh it's you, the bad waitress.

Dante: You have the nerve to stuff your face, insult me, and leave without even paying; I'm going to make you regret that.

Gluttony: And how's a tiny broad like you going to do that?

She clapped her hands together and transmuted a thousand clay spears that pierced the man's body; killing him almost instantly.

Dante: You foolish man, you will spend all eternity repenting for your foolishness…


	4. Chapter 4

**Where Hoenheim really was…**

(Pre-FMA)

It was "cowboy hat on the door night" at the Elric's house. (watch Meet the Fockers you'll understand) Trisha and Hoenheim were really really drunk…

"You know whose the prettiest gal I know?"

"who –hic-"

"Your mom, I'm jush teasin', you"

"-laughs- heh, hey Ho-ho, I jus remembered somethin'"

"Wass that?"

"I forgot to pick up twinkies for the boys lunches tomorrow, could you be a dear and pick some up now?"

"Sure thing hun –hic-"

"Oh and while your out, could you get some headlight fluid and elbow grease"

"Anything for you pudding"

And so the truth is, Hoenheim was locked in a grocery store for about 10 years, searching for Headlight fluid and elbow grease, the lesson here kiddies, is not to go grocery shopping unless you're sober.


	5. Chapter 5

**Envy's Part time job**

(This one can take place anytime during the series)

"Are you ready kids?"

"Aye Aye Captain!"

"I can't hear you!"

"AYE AYE CAPTIAN!"

"OHHHHHHHHHHH, who lives in a pineapple under the sea!... (insert rest of sponge bob theme)"

"And cut, nice work everyone, now in this episode Spongebob, you'll be blowing bubbles with Patrick, " said the director.

"Umm Mr. Director?"

"Yes what is it, Envy?"

"Can I do something to make this episode more, exciting?"

"Like what Envy, you're a Pineapple house under the sea, tell me, have you ever seen a moving pineapple house?"

"No sir, but my part is so boring, I mean what makes you think a sponge would even live in an animate pineapple?"

"You know Envy, you're absolutely right, after today's episode you and I will discuss your career."

… 30 minutes later ….

"Envy, you're fired."

"What! But what's Spongebob going to live in now?"

"Well we've decided we're going to build a pineapple shaped house, you're dismissed"

**Yes people, Envy can change him/her self into a pineapple house, cute idea. Ne?**


	6. Chapter 6

**What Really Happened in FMA: **

**Dante's Childhood**

**(this one's also pre-FMA)**

Young Dante was playing house with the boy next door, Hoenhiem…

"Hoho, do you thin some day we'll get married in real life?"

"I hope not…"

What was that?" Dante said, pulling out a knife.

"I mean, I'll love you forever Dante-dearest."

"That's what I thought you said, isn't our baby (the doll) wonderful and beautiful just like me?"

"Sure, it looks like a mini version of you," then he mumbled, "you conceited bitch"

"Time to kiss the baby goodnight!"

"Like hell I'm kissing a doll, plus I know where it's been!"

"What do you mean by that!"

"It's your doll so it probably has girl kooties all over it!"

"You take that back!"

"No way"

"Take it back or else"

"Or else what?"

Then Dante started beating Hoenheim with a wire hanger. Hey he didn't call her "Dante-dearest" for nothin'


	7. Chapter 7

**What really Happened in FMA chp. 7: Food Time**

(pre-FMA)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: anything written inside of is a subtitle. This fic was written after I saw the second episode of Panda-Z, hopefully some of you will understand the reference.

Envy sat across from Dante at a table. In front of him was a steaming bowl of philosopher's stones.

DO NOT EXPOSE PHILOSEPHER STONES TO HEAT

"Now Envy I want you to be a good homunculus and finish your stones."

DO NOT EAT PHILOSEPHER'S STONES

Envy picked up his fork and tried to pick one of the stones up, but they just scattered whenever he stabbed his plate.

An anime-style 'mad' mark appeared on his head, and then he proceeded to toss the table.

PHILOSEPHER STONES ARE NOT FOOD

This time, Envy tried using chopsticks, but it just didn't work…

Two anime-style 'mad' marks appeared on his head, and then he proceeded to toss the table.

PHILOSEPHER STONES ARE NOT A BEVERAGE EITHER

This time Envy had a bendy straw, after about two minutes he realized it wasn't working…

So, three anime-style 'mad' marks appeared on his head, and then he proceeded to toss the table.

PHILOSEPHER'S STONES ARE HAZARDOUS

Envy was now attempting to pick them up with toothpicks

DO NOT EAT THEM

Four anime-style 'mad' marks appeared on his head, and then he proceeded to toss the table.

USE STONES WITHOUT CUTTING THEM

Envy was trying to put them in half with a saw, but all that happened was the saw snapped…

Five anime-style 'mad' marks appeared on his head, and then he proceeded to toss the table.

DO NOT SMASH PHILOSEPHER STONES

Envy had a mallet and was trying to crush them, but that didn't work…

Then Dante said to Envy, "Why don't you try using a spoon?"

Envy took the spoon, and it was just inches away from his mouth when...

PHILOSEPHER STONES CAN'T BE EATEN

It fell off his spoon.

Then multiple anime-style anger marks appeared on his head and he proceeded to destroy a nearby village.

REMEMBER KIDS, USE PHILOSEPHER STONES CORRECTLY

**I'm aware that this fic was stupid and pointless, but the whole batteries thing in table manner was just so cute I couldn't help parodying it.**


	8. Chapter 8

**What Really Happened in FMA 8: The tag sale**

(This was a scene cut out of episode 3)

The Rockbells were having a tag sale…

"Hey Edward, Alphonse, let's look through granny Pinako's old things!"

"Good idea Winry." said Ed.

The three children each grabbed a box; Ed found Pinako's old jewley, Winry found Pinako's old shoes, as for Alphonse…

"Brother what's this?" Al said as he pulled a leather whip out of the box.

"I dunno, Winry what do you think?"

"I'm not sure, maybe it's a piece of an old game."

"That makes perfect sense!" (Yeah right Ed)

Al continued to look through the box, when he came across some photographs, "Winry, what are these?"

"They look like pictures of granny when she was younger."

"Who are all the men in underwear she's standing with?" Ed asked.

"Beats me." said Winry.

**Well both the manga and anime said Pinako was wild in her youth…**


	9. Chapter 9

**What Really Happened in FMA: Why the military dorms won't allow pets **

(This takes place before the war against Ishbal)

Roy Mustang had just joined the military; he didn't have a lot of money, so he and Grand were roommates. Back then, the two of them were the best of friends, this is the tragic tale of how the two became bitter rivals…

Mustang was dragging his cases down the hallway.

"Do you, need some help?" asked Armstrong.

"Thank you," he said as Armstrong picked up one of his bags.

"No problem, my name's Alex. Louis Armstrong and if you ever need any help, just ask."

"And you can call me Roy Mustang, the flame alchemist."

"Ahh so you're an alchemist as well, I'm the strong-arm alchemist. So tell me Roy, who's your roommate?"

"The iron-blood alchemist."

"Ahh so you're bunking with Grand sounds like fun."

"Well this is my room, thanks a lot."

"Don't mention it, say what is that?" he said while pointing to a glass tank.

"Oh this is for my pet."

"Ah a pet, a man's best companion at times. Wait a minute, where is it?"

Roy smirked and then removed his shirt, and wrapped around his upper body was a long, thin, snake. "The temperature outside was too cold for him, so I put him in my shirt to keep him warm."

Armstrong held back a laugh, "Keep an eye on him, we wouldn't want him to get loose, see you in the mess hall for supper." Armstrong left and as he walked down the hall he thought to himself, _Wait until Grand gets a good look at Mustang's " little friend"…_

Roy entered the room, it was fairly tidy for a guy's dorm, then he noticed a small cage on Grand's desk. In front of the cage there was a sign that read "Mr. Piper".

He went closer to the cage and tapped the bars; a little black mouse popped up and squeaked.

"I see that you've met Mr. Piper." Grand said as he entered the room, "you must be Roy." He held out his hand for Roy to shake it, when he noticed the snake, "What is that thing?"

"Slithers, don't worry I won't let him near your mouse, in fact I'll leave him in his tank so he can't bother anyone."

Well this all worked well and fine until one stormy night, when Slithers broke loose… the nest morning, Grand noticed that Mr. Piper when missing too. Since then Grand has hated Mustang with a passion. This is also the main reason why they no longer allow pets in the dorms.


	10. Chapter 10

**What Really Happened in FMA: **

**How Hoenheim and Trisha met**

(Pre- FMA)

Hoenheim was on a military mission; find and destroy a secret terrorist group. He looked at the descriptions of the criminals; dark skin, red eyes, about 6 ft tall each. It had been a week since the case was given to him, and still there was no sign of the culprits. His search brought him to a small town called Resenbool.

It was about three in the afternoon when he realized he was hungry. So he went to the local pub, and that's when he saw her, the most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on in his 400 years of life.

"Good afternoon sir, I don't believe I've ever seen you around these parts."

"Nope, I'm just passin' through. This seems like a nice town, secluded and peaceful."

The two continued their conversation until it was time for Trisha to leave work. Later that night, Hoenheim was sitting in his hotel room, and that's when he decided…

"That girl will be mine"

**Hey, sorry for not updating in so long (I just haven't had any good ideas lately!). The next couple of chapters will cover some of the dates the two go on. SO send in some recommendations! Besides the movies I don't know what else they could do.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A memory from Scar's childhood**

There once were two brothers; the eldest one's name was Woody and the younger brother was Sherman.

"Hey Woody?" the younger one asked.

"What is it?"

"When will mom and dad be back from their trip to the furniture store?"

Woody sighed, "The truth is, mom and dad never went out shopping, I've just been telling that to you for the past month because I didn't want to upset you. The truth is, they've been dead for the past month."

"Oh… hey brother?"

"What?"

"For my birthday can I have an ipod?"

"Why would a world where they haven't even invented anesthesia, let alone televisions and computers; have ipods?!"

"Ok I'll take that as a no… how about a naval piercing?"

"Do you want people to think you're gayer than you already are?"

"Oh… then can I have a kitty?"

"Sure."

So Scar's, I mean Sherman's birthday came and he got a cute little kitty, which he named Kenny. One day Kenny was run over by a speeding horse. A girl got off the horse and said, "Did I hit it?"

"You killed Kenny!" Sherman cried.

"I despise cats." She said as she mounted her horse and rode off. Yes, that girl was none other than Dante…

**OH wow Swirly updated, my school work is killing me; WHY THE HECK IS CIVICS A REQUIRED COUSE AND WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WORK INVOLVED?!?!?!?! Anyways if you get a chance go and watch 'Naruto what you didn't hear' series on youtube, it's hysterical. Well I gotta go grab some Cheetos, until next time; oh and don't forget to review!**


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